Below are the good folks who have been such asshats, they ended up on my list of people who I'd like to lock on a train just before I send it crashing off a cliff. The numbers are meaningless, just a way to identify the loser(s) who piss. me. off.
(Well, crap. Apparently I signed up with Twitter as death_wish_list. And apparently I need to add myself to this list just for being such a fucking sheep. Anyhoodle, if you need a rant in 140 characters or less, get thee to Twitter to see whom I'm killin' off.) -----------------------------------------------------------------------
52. Pseudo-Christians are on my list. Those people make me grind my teeth and want to walk around whacking them on the head with a New Testament bible. I could go on and on and on about how badly P-Cs fuck up the teachings of Jesus but I'll just sum it up since I'm sure you have a celebrity gossip site to read:
Real Christians do not try to force their beliefs on other people.
In fact, JC was pretty clear on that.
Real Christians do not waste time trying to force their religion on government buildings such as schools. So the next time you start bitching and moaning about how prayer/religious signage** isn't allowed in your kids government owned public school, just remember, the same Constitutional Amendment (the 1st one, in fact!) that states the US government will not interfere with your right to choose the religion you want to follow is also the same one that states the US government "...shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion...". That means the United States government is not supposed to allow you, or anyone else, to force your fucking religious beliefs on people just because you think you have the right to worship as you please.
And if you really, honestly care about this issue, yank your kid out of public school and send them to a school owned by a religious entity. If you aren't willing to put up the cash for your beliefs, then shut the fuck up.
**I'm not talking about stuff written on t-shirts or their personal belongings like books, etc. But a government owned public school is not the place for your kid to stick religious signs in the ground or a moment of prayer. It's a school, not a Sunday school.
51. I just spent my entire lunch break reading The Bloggess' sex advice column. At work. I know that makes it sound like I got paid to read porn but don't worry, I don't get paid for my lunch break. Otherwise that whole getting paid doing something sexish would make me sound a little whorish, wouldn't it? Anyhoo, I'm sure your parents gave you the sex talk but I doubt they told you about clown porn and how to get free blowjobs. Mine didn't either. How fucked up is that? Everyone on the planet needs to know about clown porn. Everyone.
50. Dear Mrs. Cyrus,
I hope this missive finds you well. All is well here in the Weirdeaux household: in fact, a black cat adopted us just in time for Halloween. He's too cute! And speaking of cute, I saw a photo of your darling daughter, Noah, and I felt compelled to send you this note. Mother to mother, you need to know your nine year old child was dressed like a vampire hooker. Had she just been dressed as a vampire or a hooker, I would never have thought twice about it but a vampire hooker....that's just trashy.
Considering how well you've raised Noah's older sister (that pole dance routine was adorable!!!) I assume you didn't know about Noah's costume. I know you're trying to raise your children to be thoughtful, intelligent and to have a sense of appropriateness so I assume she snuck out of the house wearing her Ark costume and later changed into the vampire hooker outfit when she got to the party. Kids can be so precocious, can't they? LOL!
Anyhoo, I just wanted to make sure you and her father knew about this so you could have a talk with her about her wardrobe choices (also, you might want to tell her to go with a rose colored lipstick, the red was just too garish with her hair).
Hope to you next week at the Williamson's Tupperware party. I'll bring the Orange Jello Delight you love so much!
Warm regards,
Mrs. Weirdeaux
p.s. Deathwina says "hello"!
49.Birth Control: The Sequel.... Dear Womenfolk....you can't have it both ways. You are either in control of/responsible for your bodies or you aren't. This is one of those Life subjects in which you absolutely have to make a choice and take a stand. It's your body that will get pregnant, it's your responsibility to make the decision about whether or not to use birth control. Do. Not. Give. Your. Decision. To. Someone. Else. You do not want anyone else to take control over your reproductive system. So, take a stand and stick with it. And for those of you who firmly believe no one has the right to determine what is best for your body, don't bitch about men having equal responsibility for providing birth control. They don't. They never have, they never will. I'll grant they have some responsibility but not 100%. If you don't want to get pregnant, you need to make sure you are consistently using effective birth control. The end.
Having said that..... Dear Menfolk..... you can't have it both ways. Either you provide the condoms or you risk a woman deliberately getting pregnant. Obviously, there are plenty of awesome women who would harvest their own internal organs before doing that to a man but sadly, there's even more women who would do it in a heartbeat. I can't tell you how many women I've known who deliberately got knocked up just to trap some guy into marriage. It's horrible and it's a fact of life. It's time you faced up to this and became proactive about preventing any Jrs. from running around. And for those of you who don't want to have to deal with this, I don't want to hear you bitching about your woman getting pregnant even though you don't want kids right now (or ever, for that matter). So, if you aren't making with the sex with an awesome woman, you need to make sure you maintain your supply of condoms and that you use them.....every time.
Helpful hints as to whether or not your woman is awesome and taking control over not getting pregnant:
1. She freaks out if she misses one day of her birth control pills.
2. She is highly amused at the expression on your face when you see her Big Box O'Condoms.
3. Her fave sex slogan is No Glove, No Love.
4. She's happy to provide you with medical documentation showing she has an IUD.
5. She crosses the street to avoid walking past a store that sells baby clothes.
6. Her name is Deathwina.
48. Dear Jessica Simpson,
I bless your heart every other day for the crapola written about you. I think you are adorkable and I can't imagine why anyone would bash you. In fact, my friends and I think you would be a hoot to hang out with. Possibly a hoot and a half.
Sincerely,
Deathwina
47. Third greatest invention of all time? Birth control. Seriously, if you aren't going to actually parent your kids into being reasonably decent humaniods, just do everyone on the planet (including yourself!) a huge favor and use birth control.
46. Today (10-23-09) we get sheepish and follow people around on Twitter. And today's tweets have a theme (tweme?): The Write Stuff. I've been a writer hag my entire life. I joke about all my faux boyfriends (who are mostly actors) but if you want to see me dork out and squee like a 13 year old fangirl, just start talking about a writer. I come by my hagness naturally, both of my parents and my brother are wordnerds, too, ergo my wordnerdiness is to be expected. So, today, I send you off to read the writings of some of my faves. Don't blame me if you fall in love with them.
1.) Deanna Raybourn: I discovered her through NaNoWriMo and love her Silent In The... books. She brings genteel snark to an artform and her blog is on my must read list.
2.) Neil Gaiman: If I had to describe Neil in two words or less I'd go with: American God. Fans of his books just laughed out loud. So did Wednesday. (**)
3.) Jane Espenson: A tv writer who has written for Buffy, Angel, Firefly, BSG, Gilmore Girls, Eureka, Dollhouse, Caprica, Warehouse 13 (also one of the creators) just to name a few shows. She's smart, funny and she wrote the best episode of Firefly ("Shindig"...imho). And if you're interested in being a tv writer, you MUST read every bit of her blog.
4.) Brad Paisley: Fantastic songwriter and even better musician. Oscar Wilde would follow Brad's tweets.
Bonus writer: If William Shakespeare and Jonathan Swift were able to combine their gene pools it would result in this guy.
So, dear readers, go forth and follow....
(**editted to add: So I received a very nice email from a person who pointed out Neil Gaiman is English. I sent her a very nice email letting her know I knew Neil is English: that was the joke. The background of the books's plot is a bunch of gods leave the old countries and end up in America and are trying to reestablish their standing as gods. Hence my way-too-obscure joke about an Englishman who comes to America and develops a cult fanbase. Anyhoo, for anyone else who didn't get that joke, there's the explanation.)
45. I just want to take a moment to apologize to Glee fans. I'm a total tv show jinx (welcome Wonderfalls and Firefly flans!) when the show is on FUX, er, FOX. Apparently FUX, er, FOX hates me with a passion so the minute they discover I love one of their shows, they cancel it. When I first heard of Glee, I squeed out loud and then immediately killed the people who witnessed it because besides admission of guilt and DNA evidence, witness testimony is incredibly powerful. If my mother taught me anything, it's....never leave witnesses alive! Anyhoo, I didn't dare let FUX, er, FOX know how excited I was because they would renege on showing it at all and the cast and crew would have worked so hard on episodes that no one would ever see. And I couldn't bear the guilt of letting them down.
So I waited. I waited until it was a bona fide hit and they actually had fans and FUX, er, FOX began counting the chi-chings of advertisers begging to pay them money before I snuck over and watched an episode. Last night was the night I finally allowed myself to risk it. And dude, Jane Lynch swing dancing? AWEfuckingSOME.
However, Glee writers, cast, crew and fans, I regret to inform you that now that I have become completely and totally and deliriously in love with the show, it will now be cancelled. Becaux FOX sux. (and yet they constantly come up with shows I love. How is that even possible???)
44. I started to write a rant but it was going to be too long and too bitter so I'll just sum it up: To those people who absolutely will not use their brains to determine what to believe or what opinion to hold.... if you won't think for yourself, don't speak for others. You just look like an idiot and piss off the very people you want to impress.
43. Today Texas and Oklahoma football fans worship at the Red River Shootout. The battlecry in my household? HOOK'EM HORNS!
42. Today's Freaky Friday feature (in which I stow the hate and show some love) showcases NaNoWriMo.org. Yesterday, my friend (yes, I have friends, shut up) asked me what I was doing on the 31st. I blanked out because my first thought was "what do you think I'm doing? I'm wrapping up my life and stocking my pantry because NaNoWriMo begins November 1st. You goober." But then I realized he really meant he wanted to know if I had plans to celebrate Halloween.
Annnnnnyway, National Novel Writing Month is an international writing challenge whereby people from all walks of life stop what they're doing, walk away from their lives and loves and spend the 30 days of November frantically writing a novel. 30 days, 50,000 words is the challenge. Many have tried, many have failed and surprisingly, many have triumphed. I've tried it for the past two years but Life and The Universe got in my way. However, as we know because of #41, The Universe is now listening to my wants so I'm thinking this is the year Deathwina finally gets that coveted prize: bragging rights! Because that is the only actual prize. There's no money, no guest shot on Oprah, not even an actual trophy or medal (well, they do have a banner you can put on your site/blog). Just bragging rights. And they are totally worth the blood, sweat and caffeine it takes to get that novel written.
So, for those of you who have always wanted to write a novel or know some one who does or maybe you simply don't have any plans on your November calender.....get thee over to NaNoWriMo.org and get signed up (it's free). Spend the next two weeks rearranging your entire life and then spend the following 30 days blazing out the next Great American Novel. I plan on writing the Worst Novel Ever. Less pressure that way.
(Note to Victor--to answer your original question, on Halloween I'll be dressed as a novelist. A really slutty novelist. Because Halloween is all about come-as-you-aren't. (quick, name that tv show!) )
41. So The Universe is finally listening to me! Last week I featured Christian Kane as the first Freaky Friday post. That same day he tweeted he was going to do a show in Austin. I emailed my chicklets and when they confirmed they wanted to go with me, I popped over and bought the tickets. I didn't realize the show might be the whole band, KANE, which includes Steve Carlson (whose solo albums I love love love love love!).
Earlier today I included Steve Carlson in my Follow Friday bunch. A few minutes ago I read his tweet that he'll be in Austin for the KANE show. I've wanted to see both of these guys perform live for a long time (together, separate, didn't matter) but due to circumstances, just couldn't get the plans together.
And now I get to see both of them. Practically without having to leave home. Weird, right?
Anyhoo, now that I know The Universe is finally listening to me, I may as well mention a few other things I'd like:
1.) I want to win a huge freaking lottery, bank a healthy portion of it for myself, mi familia and my friends, pay the taxes on it and donate the rest.
B.) I want George Clooney to quit screwing around, find me and fall in love with me so we can live happily ever after in Italy.
III.) I want a 1971 Mach One Mustang. High gloss black, if possible.
Quattro.) I want to be able to fix my hair into various versions of an updo.
Five.) I want one of those teacup pigs.
(Also, if anyone at the KANE show wants to know which of the fans is me, I'll be the nerdgirl desperately trying not to fall asleep because that show starts around the time I usually go to bed. Don't ask me how I'm going to stay awake because I haven't figure that out yet.)
40. Because it's Boss' Day, my office is having a little brunch for our bosslady. One of my coworkers brought faux mimosas (mimosauxes??) and I'm drinking one right now. Also happening right now, my tongue seems to be getting irritated and swelling. I think that bitch may be trying to poison me. I've always thought she looked a little shifty...
Anyhoodle, to all the great bosses out there, Happy Boss' Day. To the asshats who are power mad and are thisclose to having a stapler shoved down their throats: here, have a mimosaux. You've earned it!
39. To the adorkable little old lady standing at the bus stop wearing the red sequin covered hat...... I heart you so much. Every time I see you I get the biggest, stupidest grin on my face. Thank you for rocking the shiny.
38. To the guy who stood inappropriately close to me at the grocery store checkout line this morning..... dude, I have pepper spray and I know how to use it. I won't go for your eyes, I'll just spray it down your britches. Good luck explaining that to your boss when you call in "sick". So, next time, back the fuck off or you'll be begging to be castrated.
(Seriously, why do some people do that? And don't get me started on people who insist on grabbing your ass with their shopping cart. Fucking pervs...)
37. Today is Friday (10-16-09) which is Twitter's High Holy Day of the week. Just who is Deathwina suggesting you follow?
36. Has anyone else gone clothes shopping lately? If yes, have you found anything decent to wear? I don't mean anti-slutty decent (but, yeah, that too), I mean something that doesn't look beyond stupid. Seriously, I'm asking. I've tried several times lately and everything looks 1.) stupid beyond belief or 2.) "retro" or "80's" and since I've been there, done that, I'm going to skip that trend (the 80's....awesome music, crappy fashion) or 3.) is so poorly made that even third world countries would toss them in the trash. I am not a super picky dresser. If I'm clothed and reasonably stain free then I consider my outfit a success. However, even I, the anti-fashionista, draw the line at t-shirts so thin they would never make it through a wash-n-dry cycle. I draw the line at clothes that make me look dumpy. I draw the line at pants that completely cover my shoes and give me Stumpy And Footless Syndrome (I'm only 5' 2" so I really really need those inches.) And while I'm drawing lines....what's with the gross mislabeling of sizes? I absolutely PITY young girls today who grab a top that would barely fit a Smurf and it's labeled XXL. That's extra extra large for those not in the know. No wonder so many girls today have such body issue problems. The entire fashion world is trying to convince them they're a bunch of fatties.
Now, normally I would force my mom to hitch up to her sewing machine to crank out some new pieces for me because she's my one woman sweat shop. However, she's been sick for the past month (Or so she says...) so I've been forced to shop where the less fortunate shop: actual clothing stores.
Anyhoo, I've decided to stage a coup and take over the fashion world. As Fashion Dictator to the Universe, my first act will be to appoint Tim Gunn as Supreme Overlord of All Things Textile. My second act will be appointing The Fug Girls as Co-Commissioners in Charge of Doing Whatever Mr. Gunn Tells Them to Do. Women around the world will finally be able to find something that both looks good AND fits. In fact, let's start that fitting thing now. Here's my favorite tip for the curvy girls: use 9 inch zippers in your skirts. The extra two inches means you can slip them over your hips and when zipped, the waist will actually fit. You're welcome.
I swear, I can already hear the Nobel group frantically creating my peace prize.
35. People who wear patchouli as their fragrance of choice should be locked away in an insane asylum. Clearly they are out of their fucking minds.
34. Dude! I have a 76% chance of surviving a zombie apocolypse. Now I'm ready to go see Zombieland. Also, my parents will be so proud to know all those years of teaching me gunmanship will finally pay off!
33. Stores that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving irritate me to no end. Stores that play Christmas music before Halloween are just sadistic and obviously want to drive me friggin' insane. However, having ranted that, I will say that when I mentioned that to my darling motherperson on Sunday, she immediately broke into a hilarious Halloween version of Creepy Wonderland (to the tune of the great classic, Winter Wonderland, of course). Dumbass Store - 0, Weirdeaux Mom - 1.
32. So, once again Kate Hudson has dared to have the audacity to wear a dress that has a deep v-neck even though she's a card carrying member of the IBT club. And God bless her for doing it. I love it when a woman accepts her body as it is and is confident about her appearance. Sadly, that's so rare nowadays. Good luck trying to find a woman who is comfortable with her appearance and who doesn't obsess over the size of her (fill in body part here).
Even more sadly, the criticism I've read over Kate's wardrobe is mostly from other women. What? The? Fuck? I can only assume those women have low self esteem and think tearing someone else down will raise themselves up. It doesn't. It just makes you look like a jerk. An obnoxious, whiny and pathetic jerk.
Special note to those women who feel their bosom isn't as large as it should be: There's no actual "right" size. Trust me when I tell you most men don't care if your cups don't runneth over. As my darling dad once said "most men are just happy to have access to them, they don't care what size they are". And I have never met a man who disagreed with that philosophy. They have always wholeheartedly agreed.....while staring at my chest. :)
31. The telemarketer who harassed my mom last night. Here's your ticket, you're in seat 1A.
