Below are the good folks who have been such asshats, they ended up on my list of people who I'd like to lock on a train just before I send it crashing off a cliff. The numbers are meaningless, just a way to identify the loser(s) who piss. me. off.
(Well, crap. Apparently I signed up with Twitter as death_wish_list. And apparently I need to add myself to this list just for being such a fucking sheep. Anyhoodle, if you need a rant in 140 characters or less, get thee to Twitter to see whom I'm killin' off.) -----------------------------------------------------------------------
74. I just read Tiger's statement and I just want to reach through the computer and slap the shit out of him. Not only does he not genuinely own his "transgressions", he spends more time bitching about the sudden lack of privacy being shown over this matter. Unbelievable.
Not for one second do I believe he regrets the pain and embarassment he has caused his family. His language is so weak I'm surprised he had the strength to type the words:
"...those transgressions", he can't even acknowledge they are his transgressions.
"I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect.", he's a grown man who chose to cheat on his wife and fuck a bunch of slutty (and well documented!) women.
"...the right to some simple, human measure of privacy", then he shouldn't have sent text messages/emails/phone calls to the sluts he was banging. Has he learned nothing from my mother? Never leave evidence! When you leave evidence, you leave the door open to someone using it against you in a very public way. He needs to quit bitching about his lack of privacy. If he genuinely wanted privacy, he would have just had sex with his wife in the privacy of their home.
And my favorite part:
"Elin has always done more to support our family...", translation: I'm a worthless, lazy ass piece of shit who barely makes any effort to be a husband and father. I don't normally wish divorce on anyone however, I hope she dumps his ass and I hope her divorce attorney will make sure Tiger finally steps up and does much, much more to $upport Elin.
So, to sum up, on #72, I was just irritated. But now, Tiger is officially on Shitty Shitty Bang Bang.
Sidenote: Deceiver.com is one of my all time fave sites. They do a pretty good job of busting the hypocrites.
72. Tiger. Dude. I just want to apologize for this whole you being an asshat who cheats on his wife sitch. Just a couple of weeks ago I told my mom what a cute family you have and now you've gone and blown that to Hell. I knew I was a tv show jinx but I didnt' realize I was a celebrity jinx, too. My bad. Oh wait, it's your bad.
Happy Holidays, dumb fuck.
71. Speaking of singing........'tis the season to sing your face off. Although I revile most organized religion stuff, I LOVE Christmas music. My Christmas cd collection grows by two or three cds every year. And every year I kick off the season with Mariah Carey's Merry Christmas cd (her version of O Holy Night and Joy To The World are absolutely awesome!). However, I know a lot of people who are less-than-thrilled with the sappiness of holiday music (especially since we're bombarded with it in every store in America) so for those of you who dig the songs but hate the sappy crap, try the Merry Axemas albums. Legendary guitar gods playing their version of Christmas tunes. Trust me, you haven't heard "Deck the Halls" until you've heard Ted Nugent's version. And yes, you will hit the repeat button for that one.
70. Dear modern day singers,
Before I start slinging snark I want to tell you I think it's great you are persuing your career and I wish you all the best. That's actually true of anyone persuing their dreams but trying to build a singing career is especially daunting so kudos to everyone who has the guts to sing in public.
With that in mind, please shut up and sing. I don't care if you can dance. I don't care about stupidass outfits that are so overwhelming I forget to listen to your voice and get lost in wondering what the hell happened to you as a child that you would dress the way you are dressed.
Really. Enough is enough. I get you want to put on a good show and you want to give the fans a good memory however, you must remember you are a singer first, a spectacle second. My fondest concert memories were of bands that focused their show on the songs, not the outfits. Not simulating blow jobs on stage. Not pole-dancing teenagers. Not the artists trying to do acrobatics that they really shouldn't try.
The concert should be about your music. Your voice, your words, your sound.
Otherwise, you look like an asshat desperately trying to get attention. And that, my friends, is a look no one should be trying to wear.
Love,
Deathwina
69. Well, here we are at #69 and since deep down I'm a 10 year old boy, my mind always flings itself at the gutter when I read/hear that number. So, in honor of my fellow pervs (waves to Bobby and Dawn!), I offer positive proof that the brain is the most important sex organ:
68. Men, this one's for you. When you and your friends are barhopping (or whatever else involves alcohol being consumed), inevitably some obnoxious drunk who's full of liquid courage barges over and interrupts your conversation. Most men I know just use that as a chance to get laid. However, if you really want Drunkwina McWasted to go away, just talk about sports, computers or Halo 3. Or tell her you think her friend is hot. (warning: some of us actually like it when a man starts yammering about sports, computers and gaming. I have no idea what to tell you on how to get rid of us. Good luck with that.)
67. Ladies, this one's for you. When you and your friends are barhopping (or whatever else involves alcohol being consumed), inevitably some obnoxious drunk who's full of liquid courage barges over and interrupts your conversation. Most women I know try to be polite in their attempts to get rid of Drunky McWasted but often end up having to play the bitch card and then they feel guilty. Having had this happen to me too often I developed a technique that is 99% guaranteed to work in getting rid of the aforementioned idiot. Just work the following sentence into your conversation with him as soon as possible:
We're discussing the socio-economic ramifications of alcoholism in post Cold War Russia.**
You'll either instantly bore them, in which case they will try to get away from you, or you'll make them feel stupid in which case they'll go with "fuck you, bitch" and storm off. Regardless of which method of running they choose, you are now free to go back to your evening....until the next obnoxious drunk wanders up.
(**For my Russian readers, change it to: We're discussing Britney Spears anthology of music and how it will change the landscape of American music which will, in turn, change music worldwide.)
66. It's a Friday (11-20-09) and I feel followish. Today's tweme is the amazing, life affirming, panty melting goodness of Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog. If you haven't seen this, leave now and go watch it. Then come back and check out the following tweets (see what I did there? "...the following tweets". Real wordsmiths ain't got nuttin' on me!):
Dr. Horrible - Danger, romance, love, lust, weird stuff and a bad horse, of course. Did I mention it's also a musical?
Neil Patrick Harris - So much talent and charm wrapped up in gorgeous blonde goodness. His tweets are so fu
Nathan Fillion - Intelligent, funny, articulate, talented and an all around class act. I would also add "handsome" and "sexy" but I don't want to sexually objectify him. I'm sure he just wants us to see him as an artist and not as the smokin' hot man who makes us all run for our bunks. (sidenote: Nathan is currently working on ABC's Castle. Quippy charm at it's best.)
Felicia Day - If you haven't seen The Guildthen I say again....stop reading this and get over to those videos.
Bonus tweeter: Broslife . NPH's character on How I Met Your Mother (airing on CBS) is Barney Stinson. Barney is a bro's bro and chock full of wisdom for aspiring bros. Someone (I imagine it's some of the show's writers) tweets as Barney. Dare I say the tweets are awesome? I think I do.
65. Women who go on and on about how they "just can't help it, I love the bad boys!" make me want rip their fucking tongues out. I can't tell you how often I talk to women who say they want a nice guy and then always end up going out with some dickhead who ends up treating them like shit and then they rationalize it with the "I love bad boys" crap.
So, women of the world, I've had enough of that bullshit and I'm giving you fair warning: From now on I will no longer politely listen to your stupidity. From now on I will bluntly tell you how stupid you are and what a fucking pussy you are for deliberately dating assholes even though you know he's going to treat you like shit. I will bluntly point out how pathetic you are and how desperately you need therapy to get over your daddy issues and low self esteem.
It's the fucking 21st century....it's time you learn there's a massive difference between a bad boy and a badass. If he treats you like crap, he's a bad boy. If he treats you like a queen, he's a badass.
64. To the asshat who rammed his cart into mine because he 1.) wasn't paying attention to the fact there were other people in the store and 2.) was practically running....you are incredibly lucky to be alive. My deathglare has been known to put people in the hospital so thank your guardian angels you are still living. Also, just a side note, the only people who can skate through life on good looks and charm are people who are actually good looking and charming. You are neither.
63. I am not going to have children. For some reason, some people feel that is the most egregious act of terrorism that a person can commit: not having children. These same people insist on trying to convince me to have children.
"It's different when it's your kids."
"But what about your bio clock?"
"You just haven't met the right man."
"Every woman I've ever known who said that changed her mind."
And my personal favorite "Who will take care of you when you're old???"
I really don't feel I should have to justify my decision to people who aren't going to be involved in getting me pregnant or co-raising my non-existent kids. However, I usually just try to laugh it off and change the subject. But lately that crap has started up again and one woman in particular keeps hounding me about it. Her kids are not the worst that ever lived however, I would have to give her parenting skills a 2 (on a scale of 1 to 10). After trying unsuccessully to change the subject I finally told her in a firm voice "No offense but I don't have to justify this decision to you and I would appreciate it if you quit trying to force me to get pregnant." She was offended. To the point of huffing out "Well, the Bible tells us to be fruitful and multiply." And that's when my bitch card came out. Before I could stop myself I unloaded with "And did the Bible tell your 14 year old daughter to get knocked up and your son to get arrested for vandalism?"
While she turned 17 shades of red, I walked off.....still unpregnant.
62. A special note to CVS and Walgreens.... when a person is ill or injured, it is so beyond fucked up that you would make them walk to the back of the motherfucking store to get what they need. I realize lipgloss and candy bars are much more important than medicine but still, maybe move the meds up past the fucking greeting cards.
61. Remember the woman from #55? We just had an interesting conversation in which she raved on and on about some gorgeous fireman she saw working a car wreck this past weekend. She even slowed down so she could gawk at him.
At no time did the words "hypocrisy" or "irony" come up. Because I bit my tongue until it bled.....
60. Just had an LOL moment. Someone found this site using the following phrase in a search engine: how can I avoid feminazi propaganda .
Whoever you are, welcome. You are home. :)
59. I know I'm an awful person. I freely admit I'm sick and twisted and intolerant of douchebags. However, even I can admit there's something wrong when my friend tells me she read Jon Grosselin was suicidal and I just laughed. And speaking of using suicide as a publicity stunt, is Tila Tequila still alive? Has anyone kept up with that story?
Anyone?
No one?
Really?
Hunh, well then nevermind, I guess.
58. On Wednesday night my friend, Redhead, and I went to the KANE show at Antone's. Great show, wonderful peoplewatching and some of the nicest fangirls you could imagine (seriously, I'm constantly amazed at how nice Christian Kane's fangirls are). In fact, one of those fangirls was ahead of us when we were standing in line for the hugs-n-autographs session Christian was hosting. Of course, I am technologically challenged so my cell phone doesn't even have a camera. Redhead doesn't know how to use the camera function on her phone. However, Totally Cool Girl ahead of us brought her digital camera and said she would take Redhead's photo when Redhead posed with Christian. 14 hours later when Redhead finally got up to the table, Totally Cool Girl snapped the photo and promised to send it to Redhead's email. And she did. In fact, not only did she send the photo, she included other photos of the band performing. How sweet is that???
Anyhoo, Totally Cool Girl, if you're reading this, just know that I am in your debt for the extra photos. So just know that if you ever need anything, just shoot me an email and I'll take care of whatever it is. Need a horse head dumped on someone's bed? Email me. Need someone to sleep with the fishes? Email me. Hell, need someone to break you out of a third world prison? Bribe a prison guard to email me.
You rock harder than KANE did. :)
57. Would someone explain to me why Rosie O'Donnell is suddenly telling the world about all the hot chicks (Angelina, Petra, allegedly) who wanted to date/sleep with her and why on earth we should believe her? It's one thing to say "I have a crush on blahblahblah." But to brag "All these hot chicks totally wanted me." is both stupid and arrogant and obnoxious. I can't decide if she's just trying to drum up publicity or if she's just a fucking delusional bitch. Or both.
Anyhoo, if this sort of thing is going to be accepted as factual then I want in on it. So, without further adieu, I'm listing some of the men who have wanted to have sex with me:
George Clooney, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Shemar Moore, Hill Harper, Clive Owen, Nathan Fillion, Kevin Alejandro, Jeffrey Donovan, Daniel Dae Kim, John Cho, that guy who plays Mohinder on Heroes and Rosie O'Donnell.
If they deny it, they're totally lying. Trust me on this.
(edited to add: I just want to be clear that Rosie is not going on the train. As a general rule, I think she's talented and funny so I hate that she's acting like a tool. However, this is also the same woman who called Elizabeth Hasselblah a twat so really, how can I shove her off a cliff?)
56. To the woman who almost hit me head on in traffic this morning because fucking with something in her car (her purse, maybe?) was much more important than keeping her eyes on the road: you're on my list. You'll be sitting next to the one bathroom on the train. Did I mention there's no ventilation on my train? Did I mention everyone will be required to dose up on laxatives?
55. I just had yet another conversation with a woman who was complaining about her guy checking out other women when she walking with him. She was going on and on and on about how disrespectful it is and how he shouldn't even notice other women and blah blah blah.
So, as a public service announcement I offer the following bit of info:
All men are born with ADDick.
They can't help it, it's just genetic. They see an attractive woman, the downstairs brain kicks in and before they know it they may glance at her. Most men have learned to control the impulse to a certain degree so you may not even see them do it but it definitely does happen. Women need to realize this is a primal instinct built into men's DNA and it does not necessarily mean their man thinks the chick who just walked by is prettier than his mate. It's not a barometer of his feelings for you.
However, having said that, if your man is openly ogling other women, he's sending you a clear message: you are doing something wrong. It's not that you are actually doing something wrong, it's just that y'all's relationship isn't doing it for him and he may be blaming you instead of working on his behavior/problems (or maybe you are doing something wrong, I have no idea...). Rather than dealing with tricky relationship conversations, he's acting like a prick to get you to 1.) leave or 2.) be the one who brings up the conversation or 3.) he likes jerking you around.
I can't tell you what to do if he's just jerking you around but I can tell you if my man was doing that, he'd be single in 15 seconds flat. I can handle tough conversations, I can't handle immature jerks who won't grow up and deal with Life.
So remember, men can't help having ADDick but how they deal with it can help you separate the men from the boys.
54. My friend wanted to know why I blocked the porn follows on my Twitter account but left the sex toy follower. She seemed to think it was a wee bit hypocritical but I said they weren't even close to the same thing. I explained I'm all for everyone having sex (hence I encourage you to check out the sex toys) however, I'm pathologically murderous towards spammers (which is what the porn followers were).
Sex, good. Spam, bad. See, it's totally apples to dildos. My integrity remains intact.
